I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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