No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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