I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
