Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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