id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
