You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
