I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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