my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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