I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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