i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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