remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize