i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
