Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I deserve this hangover.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
