I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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