she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
