so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
