We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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