I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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