you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
