Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
