You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
