it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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