i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
