I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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