Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
