i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
