$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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