just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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