the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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