btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
