Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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