I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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