I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
