Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
