That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
