you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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