i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
