dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
