best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize