I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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