third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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