i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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