I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
