I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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