I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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