All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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