On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
