For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
