I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
