god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
