Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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