I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
