my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
