my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize