just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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