Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My dick has a subreddit
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
