My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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