All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
