I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
