Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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