dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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