Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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