have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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